1
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:17,280
Because of you, these things I do.

2
00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:22,160
Because of you.

3
00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:26,500
Because of you.

4
00:00:53,379 --> 00:00:54,429
Splosh.

5
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:56,170
That's right.

6
00:00:56,860 --> 00:00:59,990
Who ever heard of a painter's and
decorator's called Splosh?

7
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:04,760
Me, now you, and tomorrow, Lionel, the
world.

8
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:06,650
God's wallet.

9
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,820
You haven't got a clue, have you?

10
00:01:09,020 --> 00:01:12,450
Going into business on your own is the
biggest mistake you ever made.

11
00:01:12,620 --> 00:01:13,670
Time will tell.

12
00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:19,179
Splosh. What an advertisement for
painting. And you haven't even done it

13
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,839
properly. You've got great dollops of
paint dripping off the end.

14
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,340
They're supposed to be tricky.

15
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:24,650
Why?

16
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:26,540
Prove you can't paint.

17
00:01:26,541 --> 00:01:30,579
This is what we call a logo, Lionel. I'm
going to have it on the back of my

18
00:01:30,580 --> 00:01:31,980
overalls, stationery, car.

19
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,180
I'm laughing my socks off, I am.

20
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,190
You can have it on your socks as well if
you like.

21
00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,840
Morning. Morning. Plus? Yes.

22
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,240
Right, this way, lads. Follow me.

23
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,860
Put it straight through there, eh?

24
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:03,730
What's that?

25
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,010
You sit on it.

26
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:06,580
Yeah, it's in an office.

27
00:02:06,940 --> 00:02:08,740
Who do you think you are, Hollywood?

28
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:09,830
Not yet.

29
00:02:09,831 --> 00:02:12,119
Incidentally, Lionel, there's something
I ought to tell you.

30
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,680
There's nothing you can tell me.

31
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,170
Because I know what I've thought of
myself.

32
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,720
Well, find out for yourself, then.

33
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:28,420
Talk about a goon.

34
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,180
Have you seen him?

35
00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,560
Could I have a word, Mr Bainbridge?

36
00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:34,520
All right, then. Don't laugh.

37
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:35,770
Come in.

38
00:02:38,220 --> 00:02:39,780
Come in. Close the door. Sit down.

39
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,470
Make it snappy. I've got a proper paper
business to run.

40
00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:45,790
All right.

41
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,060
I'm handing in my notice, Mr Bainbridge.

42
00:02:48,061 --> 00:02:51,019
You're going to work for him, aren't
you?

43
00:02:51,020 --> 00:02:52,070
Yes, that's right.

44
00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:53,840
He's poisoned your mind.

45
00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:58,570
Jackal has offered me a job with
prospects on terms that I accepted.

46
00:02:59,330 --> 00:03:00,770
Rubbish, you've been duped.

47
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:04,760
Look, I could charm women into making
fools of themselves if I wanted to.

48
00:03:05,010 --> 00:03:06,060
You sure?

49
00:03:06,130 --> 00:03:10,050
Positive, but I don't, and I'll tell you
why, because I'm ethically moral.

50
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:16,040
What do you think you're going to be
over there, the Lord iPoo Bar?

51
00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:19,909
Well, I won't be the girl in the office
who's assumed to have a mental age of

52
00:03:19,910 --> 00:03:22,560
seven. What you're doing shows a mental
age of nought.

53
00:03:22,561 --> 00:03:25,119
Well, I... I've done it, Mr Bainbridge.
I've handed in my notice.

54
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:25,979
Don't kid yourself.

55
00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:27,030
You're sacked.

56
00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:29,380
Does it matter which way round it is?

57
00:03:29,381 --> 00:03:30,519
Yeah, it does.

58
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:34,280
Because at Bainbridge's, I am Mr
Bainbridge and you are not.

59
00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:36,270
Thank God.

60
00:03:36,271 --> 00:03:38,719
So are we giving each other through its
notice?

61
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,180
No. You can clear out now. Go on,
Laurel. Join Hardy across the road. All

62
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,250
I will.

63
00:03:43,251 --> 00:03:47,859
Incidentally, you do know you've got an
appointment at 10 .30?

64
00:03:47,860 --> 00:03:48,910
Of course I do.

65
00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:52,290
Fine. Then you'll know who it's with,
won't you? Of course I will.

66
00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:00,400
It concludes the grand tour.

67
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:01,770
So what do you think?

68
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:03,620
Oh, it's really lovely.

69
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,540
Who designed it for you?

70
00:04:05,541 --> 00:04:09,679
Me. I mean, if you're going to advise
people on colour schemes and things, it

71
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,959
does help if you've got some design sent
for your own.

72
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,080
You got flung out of art class at
school.

73
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,160
That wasn't through lack of talent.

74
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,210
I thought my reclining nude showed great
promise.

75
00:04:19,211 --> 00:04:22,219
Yeah, well, maybe it did, but you're
supposed to be painting a bowl of fruit

76
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,270
like everybody else.

77
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,730
Look, are you sure you can afford all
this?

78
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,740
Well, my investor seems to think so.

79
00:04:28,741 --> 00:04:32,159
That would worry me, if that would,
having to pay back thousands of pounds

80
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,840
before you make a penny of your own.

81
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,350
You're getting too old before you time
you off.

82
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,060
Bank. Here, can you play Space Invaders
on this?

83
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,980
Space Invaders.

84
00:04:44,340 --> 00:04:46,390
Here, I wonder if you can play games on
it.

85
00:04:46,580 --> 00:04:50,579
Hey, Alessandra, a football one would be
good. We could have a little league of

86
00:04:50,580 --> 00:04:53,230
our own. Yeah, print our own league
tables and result.

87
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:56,970
We could have a little Maradona and keep
getting him sent off.

88
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,750
Obliterate all the hooligans with a
death ray, eh?

89
00:04:59,751 --> 00:05:02,659
You've got five minutes more and then
you're both coming home to have your

90
00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:03,710
nappies changed.

91
00:05:03,711 --> 00:05:06,099
I wouldn't talk to me like that if I was
Eugene.

92
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:09,639
I'm about to offer my brother -in -law
the chance of releasing himself from the

93
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,810
clutches of monster bonks across the
road.

94
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,220
I told you you'd ask me.

95
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:15,700
Yeah. Well, what about it, Eric, eh?

96
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:17,280
We'd have some great time.

97
00:05:17,281 --> 00:05:18,179
Of course we would.

98
00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:22,119
I must warn you, though, I am a stickler
for good time keeping. No problem. I'll

99
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,320
get you up in the morning.

100
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,539
So what do you reckon, Jean?

101
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,080
I don't think it's a very good idea.

102
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,080
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't.

103
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,130
Why not?

104
00:05:35,580 --> 00:05:39,499
Well, with the greatest respect, Jacko,
you're not what I'd call a stable

105
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:40,550
character.

106
00:05:40,900 --> 00:05:42,200
I mean, now, fine.

107
00:05:42,940 --> 00:05:45,470
You're full of enthusiasm and it's quite
genuine.

108
00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:49,199
But who's to say in a few years' time
you won't just pack it all in?

109
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:50,250
Well, why should I?

110
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,380
Well... Thousands of reasons.

111
00:05:52,940 --> 00:05:54,080
Mostly wearing skirts.

112
00:05:56,020 --> 00:05:57,220
Eric needs security.

113
00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,600
That's not the be -all and end -all of
me, Jean.

114
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,000
If you remember, I nearly upped and
joined the Marines once.

115
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:06,690
The Marines?

116
00:06:06,691 --> 00:06:11,239
We'd had a row and he kept hanging about
outside the recruiting office to try

117
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:12,290
and frighten me.

118
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,840
And if you remember, Eric, that was
before we had the kids.

119
00:06:20,340 --> 00:06:26,009
Look. I know it's a boring thing to say,
but security is our number one

120
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:27,790
consideration. It has to be.

121
00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:31,650
And however well -intentioned, Jacko
can't offer it.

122
00:06:32,490 --> 00:06:33,540
I'm sorry.

123
00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:36,360
I'm sorry.

124
00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:49,600
Usual, please, Elmo.

125
00:06:49,850 --> 00:06:51,560
Oh. Hello, Jacko.

126
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,070
You all right?

127
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,800
No, I'm not. I've had some bad news.

128
00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,700
Oh, dear, what's the matter?

129
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,620
I'm going to be demolished.

130
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,460
What, you personally?

131
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,940
No, the pub. The brewery's going to
knock it down.

132
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:11,520
What? I drink here. Some claptrap about
it not paying its way.

133
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:13,030
Oh, well.

134
00:07:13,031 --> 00:07:16,799
If they're going to demolish an
institution just because it doesn't make

135
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,580
And I'll tell you why it doesn't make
money. Because they never listen.

136
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:25,659
Week after week I've been up to head
office with new ideas just tumbling over

137
00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:27,640
themselves as they come out of my head.

138
00:07:28,460 --> 00:07:30,640
I see you took your jungle fantasy down.

139
00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:34,340
I'm not giving any satisfaction to think
I left it up.

140
00:07:34,740 --> 00:07:37,990
Here, you don't want to buy it, do you?
You can have it for a tenner.

141
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:39,960
Oh, no thanks, not my name.

142
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:41,770
Oh, dear.

143
00:07:42,330 --> 00:07:47,949
What's happened to the lion? The dog's
been at it. I don't bother to stop him

144
00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:52,089
now. Well, cheer up, Elmo. Come on, I'll
buy you a pint. And drink this bloody

145
00:07:52,090 --> 00:07:53,970
rubbish. You must be joking.

146
00:07:55,850 --> 00:08:00,749
It's ironic, really, isn't it? You with
your star in the ascendant and me

147
00:08:00,750 --> 00:08:02,750
plummeting to oblivion.

148
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:06,260
Oh, come on, don't get morbid, Elmo.
It's not the end of the world.

149
00:08:06,310 --> 00:08:08,170
Plenty of other pubs you could manage.

150
00:08:08,290 --> 00:08:11,230
Well, there's not, actually. I've been
put on a lift.

151
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,700
Well, there must be something else you
could do. Well, you could... Well,

152
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,370
you could... No.

153
00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:21,540
Pubbing's all I know.

154
00:08:21,940 --> 00:08:25,160
I was an apprentice cellarman when I was
14, you know.

155
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:27,830
Better than going up chimneys, eh? Oh,
quite.

156
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,660
Then I worked me way up through the
ranks.

157
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,640
Second pot man, first pot man.

158
00:08:34,380 --> 00:08:37,140
Assistant barman, barman, head barman.

159
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:40,080
And then, of course, public and in me
own right.

160
00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,760
I couldn't open for three days. I was so
emotional.

161
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:51,099
I felt like that when I first joined
Lionel. And now here I am, half an inch

162
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,780
village disappearing down my own drip
tray.

163
00:08:53,781 --> 00:08:58,319
Compensation, Elmo. You must be getting
compensation.

164
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,580
Yeah, but not the full whack.

165
00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:01,879
Why not?

166
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:04,560
Because of something that happened in
1979.

167
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:07,530
Oh, I see.

168
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:09,920
I hope I don't do...

169
00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,380
Something's silly to myself, Jacko.

170
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:14,760
Now, you stop that.

171
00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:16,800
Oi, come on.

172
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,120
The world needs people like you.

173
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:20,430
Why? Why?

174
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,250
Because it does.

175
00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:25,520
I wonder.

176
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,140
I don't know if I ever showed you this
before.

177
00:09:29,540 --> 00:09:32,940
This is a picture of me the day I opened
up here.

178
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,780
Still wearing the same shirt.

179
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,160
Good shirt, that is.

180
00:09:40,161 --> 00:09:43,319
What's that big pink blob in the
background?

181
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,740
That's Rose, that is. She wasn't
supposed to be in it. Oh.

182
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,850
That's it, Elmo. Get back together with
Rose.

183
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:52,540
No, I'm depressed enough as it is.

184
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:55,440
Well, I'm sorry, mate. I've got to go.

185
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,000
I'm self -employed now.

186
00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:58,460
Kick your pecker up, eh?

187
00:09:58,491 --> 00:10:00,579
Just a minute.

188
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:02,280
I've just had a great idea.

189
00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:05,040
Terrific. I could come and work for you.

190
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:06,950
What do you think?

191
00:10:07,739 --> 00:10:11,900
Well, er, the thing is, Elmo, the
thought's never entered my head.

192
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,840
Let me think about it, eh?

193
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,920
You could be my salvation, you could.

194
00:10:23,180 --> 00:10:24,230
Good game.

195
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:38,799
Fed up with that Rowena Skelton
-Wallace, too.

196
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,000
Beat you again, did she?

197
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,000
She grumps when she serves, you know.

198
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,520
She knows it's distracting.

199
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,970
Well, play with someone who's not as
good.

200
00:10:45,971 --> 00:10:48,879
There aren't that many people there in
the afternoon.

201
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:49,930
They're all working.

202
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,210
Yes.

203
00:10:51,211 --> 00:10:54,139
Have you ever thought any more about
getting a job, Leslie?

204
00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:58,259
We're not going back to all that boring,
working -class, pay -packets -on -the

205
00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:01,750
-table rubbish, are we? I was thinking
more of your own self -respect.

206
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,860
I could be a model, of course, but I
don't want to be.

207
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,130
Oh.

208
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,780
Did you ever want to be anything, Mummy?

209
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,320
Apart from a mummy, you mean?

210
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,370
No, not especially.

211
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,390
I wouldn't mind being something now,
though.

212
00:11:15,460 --> 00:11:16,510
Now?

213
00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:21,120
Yeah, I'm not out of the ark, Leslie,
and I do have a brain, but, I don't

214
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,830
ironing and making the beds doesn't tax
it over much.

215
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,860
I might get Daddy to buy me a new
graphite racket.

216
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,100
Perhaps that'll do it.

217
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,250
There's Daddy now.

218
00:11:36,580 --> 00:11:38,200
Don't talk to me about gratitude.

219
00:11:38,460 --> 00:11:41,540
I wasn't going to. Daddy, can I have a
graphite tennis racket?

220
00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:43,440
Of course you can, Angel.

221
00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:47,459
I mean, I've virtually picked that girl
up out of the gutter. This is how I'll

222
00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:48,510
get repaid.

223
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:52,090
This isn't some sort of sex scandal
you're trying to break to me gently.

224
00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:56,760
Of course it isn't. Bloody Sandra, she's
left.

225
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,260
Gone to work for Jacko?

226
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,170
How did you know?

227
00:12:00,171 --> 00:12:01,019
Common sense.

228
00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:03,820
I hope you put up a fight for her. I
wouldn't soil my hands.

229
00:12:03,821 --> 00:12:06,979
Quite right, too. The scientists of this
world are ten a penny.

230
00:12:06,980 --> 00:12:10,230
Bless you, Angel. I think you've lost a
very efficient secretary.

231
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,480
Just get another girl from the agency.

232
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:16,279
Exactly. I mean, if people can't see the
kudos in working at the Bainbridge's,

233
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:17,459
that's their stupid lookout.

234
00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:20,459
Lionel, aren't you adopting a bit of an
ostrich mentality?

235
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:23,159
Don't you call me an ostrich. I look
nothing like an ostrich.

236
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,210
You're in the sand.

237
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,140
You're losing good people.

238
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,420
You know I'll be next, don't you, Eric?

239
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,250
Who's Eric?

240
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:31,770
Eric!

241
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,530
Oh, him.

242
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,540
Oh, I'm bound to break down and cry if
he goes, aren't I?

243
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,100
Just another non -entity.

244
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:41,430
Where do you two live? Eric is the best
painter you've got now.

245
00:12:41,431 --> 00:12:42,779
That's immaterial.

246
00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:44,020
And he does loyalty out.

247
00:12:44,021 --> 00:12:45,059
On his ear.

248
00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:49,019
Lionel, stop convincing yourself that
you're winning. You are not. Jacko is

249
00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:51,099
winning. Winning over me? That's
impossible.

250
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:54,439
He's already taken an excellent
secretary and next he'll be after your

251
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,700
painter. Don't fiddle while Rome burns.

252
00:12:57,060 --> 00:12:58,110
Fight back.

253
00:12:58,480 --> 00:12:59,530
I see what you mean.

254
00:12:59,531 --> 00:13:03,039
I'll teach him to think he's winning
over me. He's having Eric over my dead

255
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,400
body. That's a spirit.

256
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,040
I will not lose. I hate losing.

257
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,410
So do I.

258
00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:10,840
Well, that Rowena Skelton watched it
again. Yes, straight set.

259
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:13,940
Oh, don't worry, Angel. We'll fix her
duff as well.

260
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:19,399
Do they make power -assisted graphite
rackets? No, but her father's in your

261
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,820
lodge. So he is. And he's only a junior
of Goblin. Exactly.

262
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,200
Don't be too long.

263
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,000
Miami Vice is on tonight.

264
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:33,950
Ta -da!

265
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:35,670
Stationery.

266
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,560
That's grand, isn't it?

267
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,900
There's enough there for 500 letters.

268
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:42,300
It'd be nice if we had a customer.

269
00:13:43,580 --> 00:13:44,630
Early, please.

270
00:13:45,180 --> 00:13:47,100
Would you mind if I left early tonight?

271
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:50,050
Sandra, you've only been here five
minutes.

272
00:13:50,060 --> 00:13:52,460
You're sounding like Lionel. Oh, dear,
am I?

273
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,220
Please go early, Sandra.

274
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:58,430
Wouldn't be that Jimmy again, would it?
Yeah.

275
00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:00,080
He's from Newcastle as well.

276
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:01,980
Ah, then I can see the attraction.

277
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:03,600
You can understand each other.

278
00:14:03,601 --> 00:14:07,579
Do you know, I think that was half our
problem, Sandra. I never understood a

279
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,439
word you were saying.

280
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,030
You could understand you can't come in
for a coffee.

281
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,770
Coffee?

282
00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:16,060
I thought you were saying toffee all
them times.

283
00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:18,550
Is your knife blow?

284
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:19,810
I think so.

285
00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:21,070
Good.

286
00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:22,800
All right, you.

287
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,960
Oh, hands up, Sandra. He's got a gun.

288
00:14:29,540 --> 00:14:31,520
I came here to talk about poaching.

289
00:14:32,020 --> 00:14:35,570
Well, what do you want to do, Lionel?
Nip down a pup, snaffle a couple of

290
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,120
Poaching duck, funny cat.

291
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:40,220
You've already pinched her.

292
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:41,610
Oi!

293
00:14:42,260 --> 00:14:43,310
What's your game?

294
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,220
Don't point and don't call me her.

295
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,830
Right, put him down, Sandra, put him
down.

296
00:14:48,831 --> 00:14:51,259
What are you on about, Lionel? I'll tell
you what I'm on about. You're not

297
00:14:51,260 --> 00:14:51,979
having Eric.

298
00:14:51,980 --> 00:14:53,779
I don't want Eric. Well, you're not
having him.

299
00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:55,520
What do you mean you don't want him?

300
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:58,689
Well, he's been as thick as thieves, you
two. Stands to reason.

301
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:01,129
Well, put it another way, I can't afford
him. I can.

302
00:15:01,130 --> 00:15:03,769
I know, which is why he's staying with
you. Right, as long as that's

303
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:04,820
then. Right.

304
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,689
Blame him, eh? I've just noticed this
place.

305
00:15:07,690 --> 00:15:09,090
Looks like a poodle parlour.

306
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,160
Put Mr Bainbridge down for a washing
clip, please, Sandra.

307
00:15:13,770 --> 00:15:15,090
You haven't even got a desk.

308
00:15:15,310 --> 00:15:16,360
I don't need one.

309
00:15:16,530 --> 00:15:18,090
What do you do, lie on the floor?

310
00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:22,930
No, I sit here, nice and comfortably,
with the client.

311
00:15:23,510 --> 00:15:25,530
You get respect sitting behind a desk.

312
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:27,260
You never have. I have.

313
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,580
What's she got a television for?

314
00:15:31,620 --> 00:15:33,560
She has not got a television.

315
00:15:33,820 --> 00:15:35,840
She has got a word processor.

316
00:15:36,420 --> 00:15:37,470
Oh.

317
00:15:37,660 --> 00:15:39,100
I'll tell you what all this is.

318
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:40,400
Mutton dressed up as lamb.

319
00:15:40,401 --> 00:15:43,879
My customers come in here, they do it
with laughter. Your customers would do

320
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,359
with laughter at anybody falling over
because they had the chair pulled away

321
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,219
from them.

322
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:50,780
I'm after a client with a little bit
more imagination and taste.

323
00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:52,230
What, round ears?

324
00:15:52,231 --> 00:15:55,719
Do you walk about with your eyes closed,
Lionel? There's a lot more money about

325
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,840
now. People aren't satisfied with just
being done up anymore.

326
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:02,470
Who's your first customer going to be
then? Kensington Palace?

327
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,020
I haven't got one at the moment.

328
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,800
But I soon will have.

329
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:10,000
I'm going up market. Down the drain,
son, is where you're going.

330
00:16:10,380 --> 00:16:13,160
You're like a child playing with his
post office deck.

331
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:17,330
Well, you can always pop over and
collect your pension then, can't you?

332
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,880
A bee, buffalo.

333
00:16:21,310 --> 00:16:22,970
She's my baby.

334
00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:24,810
Be my balloon.

335
00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,190
Don't you be... Now, listen.

336
00:16:29,290 --> 00:16:31,290
About you coming to work for me.

337
00:16:31,510 --> 00:16:35,170
Now, I've been worrying about this,
but... There's no need. Problem solved.

338
00:16:35,390 --> 00:16:36,440
I've had a bath.

339
00:16:37,910 --> 00:16:43,130
Have you got antidepressant bath salts?
No. I was in the bath, and there it was,

340
00:16:43,250 --> 00:16:44,710
right in front of me.

341
00:16:44,711 --> 00:16:46,589
What was?

342
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:47,640
My voice.

343
00:16:47,870 --> 00:16:52,909
I was singing, you know, as you do, and
it... Struck me, I've got a wonderful

344
00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:54,610
voice. Yeah.

345
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:58,370
So I have decided to become a pop
singer.

346
00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:00,100
Like that?

347
00:17:00,110 --> 00:17:04,629
Oh, no, I went about it the right way.
I've done a demo tape and sent it to the

348
00:17:04,630 --> 00:17:05,680
BBC.

349
00:17:05,869 --> 00:17:10,289
Well, it's nothing like a full frontal
attack, eh? Right, I've done Bebop the

350
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:12,810
Lula and The House of the Rising Sun.

351
00:17:13,730 --> 00:17:14,780
All on your own?

352
00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:16,490
No, I've done me own backing.

353
00:17:17,349 --> 00:17:18,399
What with?

354
00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:20,660
I'll band a couple of beer cans
together.

355
00:17:23,420 --> 00:17:25,560
Elmo Putney on top of the pots, eh?

356
00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:27,920
The mind boggles.

357
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:33,419
I probably won't use my proper name. I
was thinking of calling myself Tommy

358
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,470
Hooligan.

359
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,080
Very striking name, that, Elmo.

360
00:17:38,380 --> 00:17:41,160
Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about
things, all right.

361
00:17:41,420 --> 00:17:42,470
Yeah, I can see that.

362
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,810
Well, I'm glad you're back on the
comeback trail, because...

363
00:17:45,811 --> 00:17:48,939
Quite frankly, I couldn't have afforded
it to give you a job anyway.

364
00:17:48,940 --> 00:17:50,080
That's all right, mate.

365
00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:53,870
Eric would be working for you, though,
wouldn't he? No, no, no.

366
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:56,240
Anyway, good luck, Tommy.

367
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,540
Ta -da, mate. Ta -da.

368
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:03,980
There is a house in New Orleans.

369
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,440
Nicole, the rag is here.

370
00:18:07,441 --> 00:18:14,019
How about this for the cherry on the old
cake? Do you know what he's called this

371
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:15,070
Disneyland of his?

372
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:20,190
Splosh. Oh, I like that.

373
00:18:20,470 --> 00:18:21,750
Yes, it's good, isn't it?

374
00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,540
What are you talking about? It's
ridiculous.

375
00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:28,560
Now, Bainbridge's, then, it says
painters and decorators, doesn't it?

376
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:30,230
No, Splosh says that.

377
00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:31,570
And in a very modern way.

378
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:33,850
Are you suggesting I'm old -fashioned?

379
00:18:33,851 --> 00:18:35,749
Prehistoric. I'll have that racket back.

380
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:39,709
Lionel, all we're trying to make you see
is that Jacko should be taken seriously

381
00:18:39,710 --> 00:18:41,530
and not laughed at. He makes me laugh.

382
00:18:41,750 --> 00:18:42,800
Well, he shouldn't.

383
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:46,209
Gynote Market makes very sound business
sense. He won't get any of my old

384
00:18:46,210 --> 00:18:48,440
regulars away from me. He wouldn't want
them.

385
00:18:48,590 --> 00:18:52,549
Well, I don't want his crowd of rich
pufters. Well, you should, because they

386
00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:54,750
more. Don't be rude about them.

387
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:57,470
These are the kind of people Giles and I
mix with.

388
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:01,709
I tell people my father's going places.
How can I face them if you're content to

389
00:19:01,710 --> 00:19:05,080
pay warehouses and public conveniences
for the rest of your life?

390
00:19:06,950 --> 00:19:08,290
Don't get upset, Angel.

391
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:15,469
Daddy is going places as soon as he can
get a loan, and then... then he'll get

392
00:19:15,470 --> 00:19:19,209
all the juiciest jobs round here. You'll
be too late, because if you don't do

393
00:19:19,210 --> 00:19:21,920
something about it now, Jacko will
already have them.

394
00:19:22,110 --> 00:19:23,160
Oh.

395
00:19:23,170 --> 00:19:24,220
Oh!

396
00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:25,840
What shall I do?

397
00:19:26,110 --> 00:19:27,160
Fight back.

398
00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:31,269
Jacko may be a lovely boy, but he is a
competitor, and I, for one, am not

399
00:19:31,270 --> 00:19:34,460
prepared to sit around and watch our
business go down the drain.

400
00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:38,329
We'll take him on at his own game. And
if we don't beat him, we'll give him a

401
00:19:38,330 --> 00:19:39,870
damn good run for his money.

402
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:43,640
You looked like Winston Churchill when
you said that.

403
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:45,810
Thank you, Lionel.

404
00:19:46,490 --> 00:19:49,010
How far down the drain would we go?
Who's to say?

405
00:19:49,570 --> 00:19:50,620
I can't have that.

406
00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:54,090
I mean, I can't have you having that,
Daddy.

407
00:19:54,370 --> 00:19:56,150
So, it's Bainbridge United.

408
00:19:56,770 --> 00:20:00,890
Now, we must all apply ourselves and
come up with some really solid ideas.

409
00:20:01,150 --> 00:20:02,200
Count me in.

410
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:05,170
This is like a dream, this is. We're all
on the same side.

411
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:13,499
I... I, er... I'm going to go and have a
shower so that the world won't be

412
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,090
able to see which drops of water are my
face of tears.

413
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,320
No, I see.

414
00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:29,809
Well, if I'm not allowed to call
personally, how does one... put one

415
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:31,930
for redecorating the whole place.

416
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:34,740
Oh.

417
00:20:35,530 --> 00:20:38,790
Put it in writing and send it to you at
Kensington Palace.

418
00:20:40,270 --> 00:20:42,690
Thank you.

419
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:44,860
Be in touch.

420
00:20:47,610 --> 00:20:48,660
Come in.

421
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:49,910
Hello, Mr Bainbridge.

422
00:20:50,090 --> 00:20:53,270
Oh, look who it isn't. Now you can't
have your old job back.

423
00:20:53,490 --> 00:20:56,370
I don't want it. I just wondered if
you'd give this to Eric.

424
00:20:56,610 --> 00:20:57,660
I'm not an errand boy.

425
00:20:57,661 --> 00:20:58,709
What is it?

426
00:20:58,710 --> 00:20:59,729
I don't know.

427
00:20:59,730 --> 00:21:02,969
Jacko just asked me to make sure Eric
got it. It's got private and

428
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:03,849
on it.

429
00:21:03,850 --> 00:21:05,510
What business is that of yours?

430
00:21:06,430 --> 00:21:07,750
Oh, now, look.

431
00:21:07,970 --> 00:21:10,030
I've got a wife and daughter, I have.

432
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:11,820
What does that mean?

433
00:21:11,990 --> 00:21:15,870
I am above certain things, including
your rate.

434
00:21:16,290 --> 00:21:19,120
Leave it with me. I'll see Eric gets it.
Thank you very much.

435
00:21:20,370 --> 00:21:22,420
I see you haven't got a new secretary
yet.

436
00:21:22,710 --> 00:21:25,060
No, I'm doing it myself in the odd five
minutes.

437
00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:49,200
I don't know, Lionel. Some sort of mine.

438
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,330
This!

439
00:21:51,460 --> 00:21:52,510
This!

440
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,760
This is a cheque for £2 ,000 from you to
Eric.

441
00:21:55,761 --> 00:21:57,059
What's your game?

442
00:21:57,060 --> 00:22:00,479
How did you get hold of that? Sandra
brought it over. I told Sandra to give

443
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:01,530
to Eric personally.

444
00:22:01,531 --> 00:22:04,379
Well, that's your fault for employing
stupid staff, isn't it?

445
00:22:04,380 --> 00:22:06,319
Then what's your game opening the
envelope?

446
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:07,359
It wasn't filled.

447
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,099
Perfect normal business practice.

448
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:10,150
For the mafia, yes.

449
00:22:11,020 --> 00:22:15,489
Look. When one business rival sends an
envelope marked private and confidential

450
00:22:15,490 --> 00:22:19,869
to a second business rival's employee,
he has a perfect right to find out what

451
00:22:19,870 --> 00:22:23,429
game the first business rival is playing
at with a second business rival's

452
00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:24,480
employee.

453
00:22:25,810 --> 00:22:26,910
None of your business.

454
00:22:26,911 --> 00:22:29,849
Right, I'll get it out of Eric. He's
terrified of me.

455
00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:33,089
All right, all right, all right. I know
I said I couldn't afford to employ Eric

456
00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:37,130
full -time, but I can afford to give him
£2 ,000 a year as my consultant.

457
00:22:37,930 --> 00:22:39,190
What sort of consultant?

458
00:22:39,470 --> 00:22:41,030
Well, he's not a surgeon, is he?

459
00:22:41,150 --> 00:22:42,200
Design consultant.

460
00:22:42,290 --> 00:22:45,120
Him? He couldn't even fill in a kiddie's
colouring book.

461
00:22:45,190 --> 00:22:46,330
Oh, you'd be surprised.

462
00:22:46,570 --> 00:22:50,249
When we were at work, all right, I was
the one up front, but Eric was the one

463
00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:51,330
with the design ideas.

464
00:22:51,810 --> 00:22:55,869
Rubbish. I picked the colours. When I
said yellow and brown, yellow and brown

465
00:22:55,870 --> 00:22:58,969
was. Oh, yeah, but when we got to the
job, Eric would talk to the person

466
00:22:58,970 --> 00:23:02,010
concerned and find it down to a more
subtler combination.

467
00:23:02,690 --> 00:23:07,649
Your yellow and brown would become
honeysuckle and russet, and you'd have a

468
00:23:07,650 --> 00:23:08,700
satisfied customer.

469
00:23:09,770 --> 00:23:14,269
He never told me he did that. Oh, no,
well, Eric tends to hide his light under

470
00:23:14,270 --> 00:23:17,989
bushel, doesn't he? But the fact is,
he's a very clever bloke, which is why

471
00:23:17,990 --> 00:23:20,970
prepared to pay him £2 ,000 a year as my
consultant.

472
00:23:21,630 --> 00:23:24,100
You're not bloody having him as your
consultant.

473
00:23:24,101 --> 00:23:27,069
It's got nothing to do with you, Lionel.
It's in his own time. I'm not standing

474
00:23:27,070 --> 00:23:30,800
for it. There's nothing you can do about
it, so hard luck. We'll see. We'll see.

475
00:23:32,890 --> 00:23:36,050
But Mr Bainbridge... Don't Mr Bainbridge
me.

476
00:23:36,450 --> 00:23:39,320
The only one allowed to do that... is my
wife.

477
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:45,120
I'm telling you, you will not be Jacko's
consultant. You will be my consultant.

478
00:23:45,420 --> 00:23:49,200
And I will pay you the extra £2 ,000 per
year.

479
00:23:49,201 --> 00:23:52,699
But I promised, Mr Bainbridge. Promises
don't count for anything. This is

480
00:23:52,700 --> 00:23:54,620
business. I wouldn't feel right.

481
00:23:54,621 --> 00:23:58,399
I don't care if you feel positively ill.
I'm paying you the extra £2 ,000 and

482
00:23:58,400 --> 00:23:59,259
that's it.

483
00:23:59,260 --> 00:24:01,040
No, I can't do it. I'm sorry.

484
00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:01,859
All right.

485
00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:03,480
I'll bring my big guns to bear.

486
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,360
Either you take the money or you're
sacked.

487
00:24:06,910 --> 00:24:08,810
But I've got a wife and two children.

488
00:24:08,811 --> 00:24:09,709
Hard luck.

489
00:24:09,710 --> 00:24:11,350
Jacko's my best mate. Hard luck.

490
00:24:12,010 --> 00:24:13,590
You've got me over a barrel.

491
00:24:13,870 --> 00:24:14,920
Oh, now I have.

492
00:24:16,590 --> 00:24:18,470
There's a huge brain in there.

493
00:24:20,810 --> 00:24:23,550
And it's got a cutting edge like a
sabre.

494
00:24:23,870 --> 00:24:26,350
All right, Mr Bainbridge, what else can
I do?

495
00:24:27,670 --> 00:24:29,950
I'll take the extra £2 ,000.

496
00:24:30,950 --> 00:24:32,650
Right. That's it.

497
00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:36,000
I'll splosh it across the road. We're
totally outmanoeuvred.

498
00:24:36,170 --> 00:24:38,880
I feel like Burgess and Maclean put
together. Exactly.

499
00:24:38,881 --> 00:24:42,029
I'll tell you what, let's lament this
new working arrangement. You call your

500
00:24:42,030 --> 00:24:43,230
lovely little wife Joan.

501
00:24:43,270 --> 00:24:44,370
Jean. I said Jean.

502
00:24:45,050 --> 00:24:46,970
And we'll all have a drink to celebrate.

503
00:24:47,790 --> 00:24:49,230
Right you are, Mr Bainbridge.

504
00:24:50,570 --> 00:24:54,890
Oh, and Eric, play your cards right. Ten
years' time, you can call me Lionel.

505
00:24:57,650 --> 00:25:00,590
So that's Ted you've sent to the BBC,
Elmo.

506
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,300
Did you send it to anyone personally?

507
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,220
Course I did. The top man, Lord Rees.

508
00:25:09,340 --> 00:25:13,820
I did the right thing, didn't I? Oh,
yeah. Dead right, almost. Dead right.

509
00:25:14,940 --> 00:25:19,799
If you take off as Tommy Hooligan, have
you thought about what sort of image you

510
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:20,759
want to project?

511
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:21,810
Oh, yeah.

512
00:25:22,100 --> 00:25:28,819
Sinister. All black gear, skin tight,
shave me head and have a hand mic shaped

513
00:25:28,820 --> 00:25:30,520
like a dagger. What do you reckon?

514
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,570
I don't think anybody would be able to
take their eyes off you.

515
00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:35,670
Exactly!

516
00:25:35,671 --> 00:25:39,379
Well, in the meantime, Tommy, make us a
couple of your wildebeest sandwiches.

517
00:25:39,380 --> 00:25:40,980
Beef? Come on, Eric.

518
00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:42,480
Joan, in you come.

519
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,270
Look who it ain't. It's the people from
Legoland across the road.

520
00:25:47,271 --> 00:25:50,619
You don't still play with that stuff, do
you, Lionel? Oh, you're not getting up

521
00:25:50,620 --> 00:25:52,820
my nose. I'm getting up your nose.

522
00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:54,680
Tell him, Eric. What, me?

523
00:25:55,020 --> 00:25:56,070
Tell me what?

524
00:25:56,260 --> 00:25:57,310
What?

525
00:25:57,711 --> 00:25:59,719
Look, Eric.

526
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,400
I don't know how to put this, Jacko.

527
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:02,810
Look.

528
00:26:03,900 --> 00:26:05,040
Here's your check back.

529
00:26:05,041 --> 00:26:09,359
Lionel and I have come to an arrangement
and I'll be working for him

530
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:10,410
exclusively.

531
00:26:10,820 --> 00:26:13,720
You no -good, backstabbing little
creeps.

532
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,099
Don't talk to Eric like that. He's got a
wife and family to think of. Don't you

533
00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:22,690
talk to me about family. You're meant to
be my sister.

534
00:26:24,060 --> 00:26:26,860
Oh, don't waste your time on them,
Jacko. We'll manage.

535
00:26:27,300 --> 00:26:28,980
With you behind me, I'm not so sure.

536
00:26:28,981 --> 00:26:32,339
It was you that shot me out of the sky
in the first place by giving Lionel the

537
00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:33,390
check.

538
00:26:33,391 --> 00:26:35,839
That's it, take it out on a girl. You
always have done.

539
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:39,619
Look, look, it's all water under the
bridge now. Yeah, my only regret is that

540
00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:41,380
you're not floating face down in it.

541
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,780
All right, order, order. I'll let this
dog out.

542
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,090
Shut up.

543
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:54,259
Well, not your day, is it, Jacko? All
your chickens have come home to roost

544
00:26:54,260 --> 00:26:55,340
done it all over you.

545
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,060
Let that be a lesson to you.

546
00:26:59,199 --> 00:27:01,300
Nobody outflanks Lionel Bainbridge.

547
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,040
I think I'll have us a go.

548
00:27:34,889 --> 00:27:37,610
Because of you.

549
00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:42,030
Because of you.

550
00:27:42,510 --> 00:27:47,670
Oh, and you love nature.

551
00:27:48,050 --> 00:27:49,850
You love nature.

552
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:54,450
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